Julius Caesar vs Frankensteins
by Mhelisis
Summary: A great menace is threatening the Roman Republic, a menace which has destroyed many of its best legions in the northern provinces. The mysterious Frankensteins come from the North, from beyond the Rhine...
1. Chapter 1

Julius Caesar's personal diary, January 47 BC.

_"A great menace is threatening the Republic, a menace which has destroyed many of my best legions in the northern provinces. The mysterious Frankensteins come from the North, from beyond the Rhine... They are completely barbarous and worship no god other than themselves. They have barely developed a primitive language which consists mostly of grunts; I question if it is more than a pseudo-language. In fact, I question their humanity. Their complexion is pale, even described by some survivors of their attacks as greenish, and they adorn strange metallic devices on their temple and neck. Since my legionaries are unable to stop them, it is I, Gaius Julius Caesar, who will stop this abomination to protect what remains of Civilisation. I..."_

Caesar scratched out his last line: he was not quite certain if it was proper to refer to the Roman Republic as Civilisation. His diary was near sacred to him and he made a point to write in the most accurate manner. He stood up, opened the heavy, fortified door of his bedroom and screamed in the hallway.

─ Brutuuus!

His son, Brutus, was in the next room, practicing the _bird's tail _form, a very demanding fighting technique. He rushed to his father's door, panting.

─ Yes, Father?

─ Tell me: would you describe Rome as civilised?

─ I don't know, Father. I find most plebeians to be little more than animals, he responded with a contemptuous tone.

─ That's exactly what I was thinking... Hm... Anyway, I have orders for you. Tell your fiancée to pack clothes, rations and armours. We are travelling to the Gauls to investigate the Frankenstein menace.

─ Yes, Father.

Brutus' fiancée was of Han Chinese ethnicity; she was probably the only East Asian person in the entire Republic and her beauty was surely unsurpassed. Her skin was delicate like porcelain and her moves possessed a catlike grace. Julius Caesar had travelled to Parthia, in the Far East, twice. Once when he was a teenager and had learnt the art of _T'ai chi ch'uan_, which allowed him to rise in power as a general, for the Eastern art of fighting was much more evolved and powerful than Roman fighting techniques. And a second time because Master-Father Li Pu, his _T'ai chi _teacher, had made him promise that his firstborn would marry his daughter, Lien Hua, for he viewed Caesar as his son and wanted them to unite their bloodlines. That was not an uncommon practice because a Master-Father of tai chi often viewed his best disciple in such way. And few know that Brutus was actually of Caesar's blood, not an adopted heir as legends claim.

─ What is our battle plan, Father?

─ It's very simple. We are going to infiltrate their territory and assassinate their leader, and replace him with a decoy who works for us. "O divine art of secrecy! Through you we learn to be invisible, through you inaudible; and hence we can hold the enemy's fate in our hands."

─ Sun Tzu, chapter 6, verse 9, Brutus answered promptly.

─ Good, good. You are a well applied student. You will make a great general, one day.

─ Thank you, Father, he said blushing.

The young man retired to his bedroom. His fiancée was resting on a _triclinium_, eating grapes and drinking expensive Alexandrian white wine. He bowed respectfully to her but she only threw him a black look back. He cleared his throat apprehensively.

─ Sweet flower of lotus, we are leaving.

─ LEAVING?!

In the blink of an eye, she stood on her heels, jumped on him, made him fall on the marble floor with a tai chi thrust, and slid the dagger that she was hiding in her sleeve under his throat.

─ Tell me one good reason not to kill you, she said furiously.

─ I... I'm sorry.

─ I don't care for sorry! she screamed.

─ I... We will get married soon, when the planets are aligned, for a most prosperous union... I have already explained that to you, dear.

She sighed and released her grasp.

─ I'm sorry, Love. I get insecure, sometimes. Where are we going?

Whilst still sitting on top of him, she kissed him forcefully. He grimaced. Brutus did not want to get married and have children: that would make him vulnerable. Taoist philosophy views sexuality as a waste of vital energy. Moreover, his hero, Sun Tzu, hated women and had not married, and it had made him strong. Hell, Sun Tzu had actually been _slaying_ women. But his father had made a promise. _Perhaps the only way out of this promise_, he thought, _is to murder both of them_. But he quickly felt shame for this thought, for although they were annoying sometimes, he cared deeply for both of them.

###

Lugdunum, Belgic Gaul.

The moon was reflecting on the sticky, pale green skin of the beast. It was moving swiftly, jumping from shadow to shadow, circling the Roman fortress. It was an adult Frankenstein of 250 lbs at least. His vision was blurry, filled with rage and blood. In the distance, a wolf howled, but it did not distract the Frankenstein because he cared little for animals. All the focus of his hatred was on humans because they feared his kin, and Frankensteins couldn't tolerate the feeling of being feared and shunned. They hated to be viewed as monsters and, ironically, it pushed them to behave exactly like monsters.

Legionary Tertius, who was on watch duty, spotted the creature that was lurking in the shadows. _I hope it's not a Frankenstein_. He knew that if it was one, there would be a grisly massacre soon, and few if any human survivors. He reported the sighting to his supervisor.

─ _Decanus_, I think I might have seen something.

─ Something, eh? What's something, soldier?

─ I... I don't know, _Decanus_, he responded hesitantly.

─ Well, then. You're going outside to check it out, and you are not to come back until you can employ a more precise language and describe what you have actually seen.

─ Yes... _Decanus_... Sir.

The wide wooden gates opened for him. Tertius grabbed a torch in one hand and held a _gladius_ in the other. Although he practiced every day, he was not very confident in his fighting prowess: he had never fought in a real combat situation. He penetrated the forest, his eyes nervously darting left and right. The silence was absolute and all he could hear was his clumsy footsteps and his heavy breathing. He glanced behind him, at the gates of the fort. Above it, two bored soldiers were watching for signs of intruders. _My life is not worth 225 denarii a year_, he thought. _Perhaps I should just desert_.

But he did not have time for more treacherous thoughts. In front of him was the Frankenstein, who had jumped down from a tree branch above him. The Frankenstein was an apex predator and had spotted his prey as soon as it had left the fortress. In fact, he had _smelled_ its pheromones. Before the Roman could even do anything, the predator grabbed his blade with his bare hand, not caring for the deep cut it made in the flesh of his palm. He did not even feel pain, because the nerves of his dead flesh did not work properly; Frankensteins were made of mismatched body parts and their nervous system was not very effective. Tertius screamed as the monster turned the short sword around and dipped its tip violently inside his bowels. The sound of a bell shortly echoed in the distance: the Roman alarm. They had heard him.

─ Fuck you, he said labouriously. My friends will get you.

The Frankenstein was angry because he had planned to sneak on them and slaughter them in their sleep. He was so angry that he grabbed Tertius' frail head and bashed it on the floor repeatedly, and continued long after his victim had passed. The Frankenstein then pulled half of the skin from the soldier's face, with a bit of flesh hanging from it, and pressed it over his own face like a mask, which made a disgusting, wet noise.

─ I... Human... he said with an idiotic, guttural voice.

Behind him, in the darkness, another grotesque silhouette repeated:

─ You... Human...

###

"_Love blossoms like a rose in Spring,_  
_From this chord, I sing,_  
_All the good in the world."_

Lien Hua was singing and plucking lightly the strings of her _pipa_ instrument. Her voice was soft and it was entertaining the men, Brutus and Caesar, on their travel to the Gauls. They were sitting in the front of the carriage and discussing Gaulish customs. All of them were disguised in the simple attires of traders so as not to catch unwanted attention. The Gaulish provinces had only been conquered recently and the locals were not too happy about it; it could have been unsafe to display their rank.

─ She's a good woman. You know that, son. She has good genes. A woman who sings like that is a woman who has a pure heart.

─ Yes, Father.

─ If I had not promised Master Li Pu to give her to you, I'd have taken her for myself, you know.

Lien Hua played a dissonant chord and stopped singing. She was aggravated.

─ You know, I can hear you. I'd never marry anyone other than Brutus, for I can love only him ever since I laid my eyes upon his handsome face.

─ Sorry, Lien Hua. My father was just joking, Brutus responded awkwardly.

─ I was not, Caesar countered. And her name is Claudia, not Lien Hua.

Caesar viewed himself as almost divine. He was used to take everything for granted and had little respect for social etiquette. He had decided that Lien Hua needed a Roman name, and he had chosen Claudia for her. She, however, hated that name, and thought it was an insult to her heritage. _This is going to be a long travel_, Brutus thought.

They stopped the carriage for a bathroom break. The men jumped from their seat and walked to the underwood. Little did they know that a spy from the Senate was hidden in the trunk, with their clothes. The Senate wanted to assassinate Caesar because his rise in power was threatening them. With the two men gone, the spy leapt out and grabbed Lien Hua from behind, with one arm around her slender waist and another around her neck. He whistled to catch the attention of her companions.

─ Caesar! If you don't surrender, I will slice your girlfriend's throat.

There were noises in the bushes, but the assassin could not see either of the men.

─ Caesar! Don't play games with me, he voiced uncertainly.

No answer.

─ Caesar? You mudraker!

As an answer, a bolt flew through his carotid artery, at the base of his neck. The spy tried to speak but could only making disgraceful gurgling noises, before he fell on the ground. Caesar was never going anywhere without his handheld _arcuballista_: he was not an easy man to blackmail or assassinate.

─ Are you OK, Claudia?

─ What was that? You could have killed me!

The dictator raised his shoulders. His pale grey eyes were shining mischievously.

─ I never miss. It is, after all, your father who has trained me. I don't aim with my physical eyes, but with my _qi_ inside. And it is not I, but my _qi_ which carries the bolt to the target's vital parts. I had absolutely no idea where the bolt was going to land.

─ Is that supposed to reassure me?

He pulled the bolt from the corpse's throat and wiped it off his shirt. Lien Hua rolled her eyes in disgust; she found the crude manners of the Romans quite unsavory. A Chinese _zhan shi _would have cleansed his ammunition in spring water.


	2. Chapter 2

Two weeks later.

Their voyage had been mostly free from tumult. It was getting dark and they was only a few miles from Lugdunum, which was where they would begin their investigation. Caesar decided to stay for the night at a local inn. He found one on the road; the kind that is cheap and unsanitary, with a straw-covered floor teeming with rats. Still, it was more comfortable than sleeping under the stars. Caesar was not very young anymore, and he had started suffering from back pain. When they entered, the patrons stopped talking and looked at them with open hostility: Romans were not very welcome in Gaul. However, Romans also ruled the land, and Gauls had no choice but to serve them. They had entered a hot chauldron, ready to explode from the steam. It was vital to not cause trouble, and Caesar gave his companions instructions to be discreet. They sat at a table in the corner of the room, and the innkeeper, a chubby, red-haired woman, came to take the orders.

\- What will you have, Romans?

\- We will have your finest wines and meats, Brutus answered. Oh, and also, fresh pears, figs, and grapes.

Her little beady eyes stared at both him and Caesar suspiciously.

\- You sure you can afford all that, merchant?

\- He is just joking, Caesar intervened. Of course, we can't afford that. Bring us a loaf of bread and a cup of mead.

He waited for the innkeeper to leave before he grabbed Brutus by the collar and whispered angrily:

\- You fool! We are supposed to be humble traders! You are going to tip them off about who we are. Have you forgotten all about Sun Tzu's art of secrecy?

Brutus apologised profusely. The innkeeper came back with their order and Caesar threw a _sestertius_ on the table as payment.

\- I couldn't stop thinking about it. Y'all are rich merchants, aren't you?

\- We are not, Caesar answered. We only trade _capsicum_ and it's not particularly profitable.

\- Have we met before?

\- I don't think so.

\- Heh. Where's the girl from? I've never seen the like of her.

\- She's from the East, he explained. Rome is a cosmopolitan place.

\- Heh.

She took the coin and looked at it. She nodded her head as if she had solved a puzzle mentally.

\- A sestertius, heh? I knew your face was familiar. You look a lot like the face engraved on the coin. The leader of the Romans, Caesar.

\- And the leader of the Gauls, Brutus added.

\- Heh. We didn't ask for him to lead us. He's a brute who has enslaved us.

\- The strong leads the weak.

She called her husband who was working in the kitchen. She showed him the coin, and said:

\- Doesn't this _gentleman_ here look a lot like the picture on the coin.

She had said the word "gentleman" with as much contempt as she could. Her husband stared at Caesar and nodded.

\- That sure looks like you, doesn't it? Roman art is so realistic.

Caesar ran out of patience. He perhaps could have talked his way out of this situation, but he had little tolerance for verbal jousting with illiterate commoners.

\- Fine. You have uncovered me: I am Caesar, your supreme leader, and I expect you to show more respect to me!

He bumped his fist on the table with authority, hoping to intimidate the man, but it didn't work. Instead, the man felt insulted and flustered.

\- You murderer! Our three sons have died fighting your invasion!

The Gaul threw him a punch, but he was overweight and slow and Caesar parried it dexterously. All the patrons had been watching the scene; they stood from their chairs and surrounded the Romans. Caesar gulped and assumed the _Gong Jian Bu _stance, ready to counter attack his opponents. But Brutus acted even more quickly: he grabbed his fiancée under the arms, pivoted on his heels and made her kick the Gauls in the head with the rotational force. This is a traditional tai chi move called "the plum blossom wheel". All Gauls but one fell on the floor, and she jumped on them to stab them in the throat. Lien Hua was a femme fatale, a sweet angel of death, and most men she kills fall in love with her. The one standing Gaul fled toward the door, but Caesar grabbed his arbalest and shot him three times in the back. He did not enjoy shooting a man in such cowardly manner, but he didn't want him to warn people about what happened because it could create an insurrection.

They finished their meal in silence, and left the tavern. Brutus felt embarrassed. He could _feel_ his father's disdain. He knew he had arisen the innkeeper's suspicion with his oral clumsiness, and he promised himself to watch his words more carefully in the future. However, the innocent lives he had taken were far from high thoughts, because for him the Gauls were barbarians and their lives worth little.

A large, monstrous shade was following them from a prudent distance. It had witnessed everything that had happened in the inn from the window. The Frankenstein.

###

The next morning.

\- Father, I think we are being followed.

\- I know, Brutus. A Frankenstein has been stalking us. I spotted him last night. Your senses are not very sharp.

\- What are we going to do about it? Lien Hua asked.

Caesar raised his fist on his side: it meant that everybody was to be quiet because he was thinking. He analysed his surroundings carefully.

\- We are going to hang a weighted net on that branch, there. You will sit in the middle of the road and serve as bait. Brutus and I will hide in the bushes and we will make the net fall on the beast when it comes close to you. Are you fine with that plan?

\- I'm fine. I'm not scared, she responded swaggerly.

They set their trap and waited for the Frankenstein. A few minutes later, he came. He sniffed the air like a dog, and observed the Chinese lady with lust. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his entire life, and he wanted her as his bride, as his thing. He picked daisy flowers from the side of the road and made an impromptu bouquet for her. If she loved him back, he'd take care of her forever. But if she rejected him... Frankensteins had a twisted sense of romance. Their attractions to women was developed mostly out of a desire to be accepted, and rejection made them want to destroy their object of desire. They were not capable of feeling respect, even less unconditional love.

He blushed and approached hesitantly. The Romans felt embarrassed for him because he looked so pathetic. The net fell on him and entangled him. He roared like a lion and struggled madly to free himself. And he did: his muscular power was such that he could break he most solid Roman rope as if it was as fragile as a cobweb. Caesar's plan had not taken into account the superhuman strength of the Frankenstein. He did not feel discouraged because he had a back-up plan: he fired half a dozen bolts at his foe. However, rather than killing the monster, they seemed to make him even madder and stronger. His fury was frightening, even more frightening than the fury of the berserker warriors of the North. Lien Hua stepped back and drew a dagger in each of her hand.

That was not enough to impress Caesar: the man was born for war. He viewed life was a lascivious dance with death, where each step was maybe the last. But he was agile, and he was always leading the dance. He felt the essence of gods was running in his veins. As the Frankenstein walked toward the woman to choke her with his hands, the warrior assaulted him from behind: with a circular motion, he pulled his steel _dao_ sabre from his back and cleanly cut the monster's right arm. A green, oily liquid leaked out of the wound. The _dao_ was razor sharp and could cut through any organic material like it was butter. The Frankenstein turned back, screamed, and Caesar cut off his other arm. He then push kicked him on the floor and held his sandal on his torso. The push kick is a tai chi move where one puts all of his weight on the kick: it pushes the target back and often makes them fall. The Frankenstein, with his two arms missing, had lost his sense of balance, so it was easy.

\- Frankenstein! Tell me who you are and who you worked for, and I'll spare your life.

But the Frankenstein didn't speak Latin, and couldn't communicate very well. After much effort, Caesar learnt the basic anatomical workings of a Frankenstein, and the name of their leader: Victor Frankenstein, a mad physician. Victor was a Latin name - "He who conquers" - which Caesar understood. When he couldn't learn anymore from his captive, he dipped his _dao_ in the beast's muscular chest. He then contemplated the horizon with a heroic look on his face, and uttered theatrically:

\- Victor, I'm coming for you, and we will see who's the boldest conqueror.

Behind him, Brutus was kicking the Frankenstein cadaver.

###

Of the Lugdunum's fortress only remained ashes and burnt pillars. The floor was covered with dead bodies: Caesar concluded that the Romans had been attacked by Frankensteins, and set the fortress to fire to burn their attackers. Their strategy had worked, however they had burned themselves too and there were no survivors. Caesar and his son spent the morning building a funerary pyre, in the rectangular shape of an altar to Mars, the god of war.

Caesar spoke a short eulogy, and then praised the gods. Behind, the bodies were burning, so that their soul could be freed and reach a heroic afterlife.

"Laozi, saintly god, savior of mankind, please bless their spirit and the spirit of their descendants who live.

Mars, governor of the spirit of war, please accept the spirit of those brave soldiers slain in action.

Confucius, wise philosopher, give us the knowledge of battle to avenge our dead and destroy the enemies of inner balance.

Laughing Buddha, god of happiness and plenitude, give us good luck, us survivors who follow faithfully the _Tao_."

Lien Hua was weeping; her husband was trying to comfort her.

\- That was a beautiful prayer, she commented.

\- Yes, it was. I am the best orator in the world, Caesar answered.

He grabbed her arm.

\- We will find the Frankensteins, and destroy them. Look, you have to stop crying. Laughing Buddha wants you to smile. I know a way.

He grabbed the back of her head, and landed a kiss on her lips. It felt good enough that she opened her mouth and her rubbed the back of her top teeth with the tip of his tongue. They looked at each other in the eyes and Caesar laughed. She smiled awkwardly. Brutus, however, was furious, and clenched his fists. This display of affection offended him, and he wondered if they were secretly lovers. Why hadn't she pushed him away? He was too scared of his father to confront them. Caesar was the supreme ruler of the land, and Caesar answered to no one. On that moment, Brutus decided that he hated his fiancée, and that he would work for Victor Frankenstein to destroy his father. He walked toward the forest, and no one noticed that he was leaving.


End file.
